Did We Get The Wrong Dog for our Family?

If you are considering adding a dog to your family or if you are wondering if you may have brought home the wrong dog, it’s worth spending a few minutes to take a quick inventory or assessment about your lifestyle. It may become obvious that you got more than you bargained for, or that you don’t have the financial or logistical resources to successfully cope with your new addition. If you haven’t chosen a dog yet, even better – this may help you to determine if you have the energy to live with a puppy after all, or if perhaps a more mature dog would be better for your family.

Begin with this self assessment. Be honest. For reals. Otherwise, we won’t be able to help you to determine if your family got the wrong dog or if you are just going through a rough patch.

Self Assessment

1. If you have some spare time, your first choice would be…
   1. Reading a book or watching tv
   2. Going hiking or spending time outdoors
   3. Spending time with friends
2. What phrase describes this phase of your life?
   1. Barely controlled chaos
   2. Relatively calm and stable
   3. Busy but manageable
3. How much time are you at home each day?
   1. Loads – I work from home, am a stay-at-home parent or am retired
   2. I work full time outside the home
   3. I’m in and out, but I’m home a few hours at a time between absences
4. How well do you handle interruptions in your nighttime sleep?
   1. It’s cool as long as I get at least 6 hours of sleep in total
   2. I’m a hot mess if I wake up in the middle of the night
   3. Coffee is my best friend. I can handle it.
5. Are you flexible, willing to adjust your schedule or your furniture?
   1. Sure – I’ll do whatever works.
   2. No way. My house is pristine and my schedule is highly regulated.
   3. It depends.
6. When you go outside for a walk, your ideal distance is…
   1. Around the block once or twice
   2. 3 miles is comfortable
   3. I’m like the Energizer Bunny and can keep on going. 
7. Do you have disposable income / extra spending money?
   1. Yes – we are comfortable and have a cushion
   2. No – money is tight
8. Do any members of your household have sensitivities to noise?
   1. yes
   2. no
9. Does everyone in your family want a dog?
   1. yes
   2. no
10. Is anyone in your family allergic to dogs?
    1. yes
    2. no

Truth Inventory

So, you have a dog and wonder if you have made a mistake. Perhaps you are struggling and are wondering when to draw the line. But before we talk about any deal breakers, let’s debrief about your responses to the Self-Assessment above. Are you equipped for the dog you got or for the dog you are considering? What kind of dog do you REALLY have the bandwidth for?

1. If you have some spare time, your first choice would be…
   Your answer to this question might impact the energy level and personality of your ideal dog. Some dogs are built to be couch potatoes, while others would prefer to join you on the agility field or running a marathon. Living with a dog who has a different energy or temperament than you do can lead to challenges down the road. Dogs who are not given enough exercise or mental stimulation can become destructive. Shy dogs may become more fearful if you entertain guests or host playdates several times a week. 
2. What phrase describes this phase of your life?
   Sensitive dogs need a stable and predictable environment. Active dogs thrive on being part of a busy family. All dogs benefit from consistency and clear communication. 
3. How much time are you at home each day?
   If you work full time and plan to get a puppy, you’ll need a plan in place so that your puppy gets outside to potty several times a day and also gets some companionship while you are away. Dogs are social and puppies find being left alone to be very challenging. Adult dogs tend to be a bit calmer and better suited to long periods of being left alone. Truth be told, adult dogs would benefit from a dog walker or visitor at least once per day as well. If you have a flexible schedule, you may be better suited to meeting the needs of your individual dog, whatever those may be.
4. How well do you handle interruptions in your nighttime sleep?
   Puppies and some senior dogs may need to potty or receive some sort of comfort during the night. If you have ailments or don’t cope well with less than a full night’s sleep, these interruptions are something you may want to consider. The great news is that this phase is temporary in most dogs. If you have health challenges or are a light sleeper, this might impact you in a more dramatic way. Earplugs might become your best friend if a restless dog wakes you – but you will want to be responsive if they are asking to potty outside. Sometimes, I use a single earplug (in my “up ear”), which helps to keep the sounds under control while still allowing me to meet the needs of my pup.
5. Are you flexible, willing to adjust your schedule or your furniture?
   Busy or unpredictable schedules aren’t deal breakers for dog owners, but it helps if you have a crew of people you can call for help at the last minute (dog walkers, babysitters, neighbors etc). Being flexible doesn’t just relate to how you spend your time – it can also impact your interior design. It helps if you are willing to make adjustments to the layout of the house to improve safety and the flow of traffic. Remember – baby gates and barriers are your best friend when you need to manage where your dog(s) (and kids / other pets) are contained. 
6. When you go outside for a walk, your ideal distance is…
   I’m not an ageist. I know 70 year olds who can out hike me. But it helps to be truly honest about your endurance level, physical health and the status of your existing injuries. I have a client who has a chronic knee problem and just got a puppy – and now she is wondering if she made the right choice. She is wondering if she can keep up with him or if a more mature dog would be a better match at this stage of her life. It helps to know the tendencies of breeds or breed mixes you are considering. A shepherd is not likely to be a great match for someone who can only walk a block or two; an English Bulldog not a likely match for an avid backpacker. 
7. Do you have disposable income / extra spending money?
   Dogs are expensive. There is no way around it. Not only do you need to buy food, toys, bedding and management supplies, but there are also veterinary bills (some predictable and some not so much), boarding fees if you travel without your dog, and possibly grooming expenses. Some dogs are easy keepers, but those are the exception, not the rule. PS. I recommend getting health insurance for your dog. I have never had it in the past, but plan on it for my next puppy.
8. Do any members of your household have sensitivities to noise?
   Family members who have special needs, including a low tolerance for extraneous noise, may have a difficult time adjusting to a dog in the house. Dogs bark for a variety of reasons, some of which can be managed or improved with a behavioral modification plan, but other dogs like the sound of their own voice.
9. Does everyone in your family want a dog?
   Nothing is worse than having a family member reject the new love of your life. It’s important that you have honest expectations of how involved each family member will be in raising your dog, as well. The kids, not matter what they promise and how hard they beg, will neglect their dog-care duties and they will fall to you. Be prepared.
10. Is anyone in your family allergic to dogs?
    This seems like an obvious question, but the heart wants what the heart wants. I’m here to tell you that despite the best of intentions, you may run out of steam (and Kleenex) trying to live with the cause of your runny nose or itchy skin for the next 15 years. To be your best self, take care of yourself. Get a dog that works for you and your family members, even if there is a cute one available for adoption that makes you sneeze. It’s not worth a lifetime of discomfort. 

Annoying but Probably Not Permanent

You did your due diligence and tons of research, and you still feel like you are in over your head. That’s okay – it happens. I raised a service puppy for a year and felt overwhelmed at times. She was clever but she did NOT have an off-switch. It was a lot to manage, but we finally worked out a routine that gave her as much mental and physical exercise as she needed and we were able to get things under control.  But perhaps you are doing your best and there are still some problematic behaviors.

Does your dog eat the furniture? Potty in the house? Bark at visitors? Lunge at other dogs on walks? Bolt through the open front door? The good news is that there are lots of dog behaviors that are challenging at first, but with the help of a certified trainer and some management, are fairly easy to modify over time.

It might make you feel better to realize that memory fades. Maybe the last time you got a puppy, you said “never again,” and yet here you are, 15 years later. My grandmother would tell stories about how my mom never made a mess and was potty trained by age 1. Not so likely, but fortunately, our minds make some of the difficult challenges of our lives melt away over time.

Deal Breakers?

Even though dogs tend to have behavioral characteristics of their given breed or mix, every dog is an individual, with its own thoughts and feelings. Herding dogs like to chase things, but occasionally you may find one that prefers to snuggle. Labs tend to make great family pets. But I have a client who has a young lab who is not fond of their son, a truly gentle and lovely child. They are feeling sad and frustrated that their dog and children might not be compatible. But they have been forced to accept that even though Labs are usually appropriate housemates with children, this one might not be. At what point do they decide to approach their current situation with management and training versus finding him a new home without kids? 

It might surprise you to hear that what may be a “wrong dog” deal breaker for one family is not a deal breaker for another. 

• Does the dog chase your 15 year old cat? That’s totally unacceptable for some people under any circumstances. But for others, they find management solutions to prevent this behavior from happening as much as it might otherwise. For example, they can use baby gates (the cat can easily jump over them), close doors, or tether the dog to themselves to prevent the dog from practicing this behavior.
• Does the dog growl at the kids? Has the dog bitten the kids? As you are integrating a new dog into your household, it might take some time to get to know each other. An occasional growl or two is actually a very useful communication tool. The dog is clearly expressing its discomfort. However, if this behavior continues, you may need to contact a professional and assess if this level of stress is fair to put on a dog for the next several years. Perhaps this dog would be happier in a home without children. Of course, you can use management here too – but you also have to assess the risks if someone makes a mistake, as often happens when children are involved. 
• Does your resident dog hate the new dog or vice versa? Do they fight, requiring visits to the veterinarian? Intra-household aggression is very difficult to work with and can be dangerous. You may want to bring in a professional to help you to assess the situation.

We Have the Wrong Dog – Now What?

You have consulted a dog behavior consultant or trainer, you have weighed the pros and cons of keeping your dog, and you have finally come to the conclusion that you are living with a dog who is not the right fit for your family. Now what will you do? 

• If your dog is from a breeder, they should take it back. 
• If your dog came from a legitimate rescue organization, your contract may state that you will return the dog to them if you are unable to keep it for any reason. Please be honest with your reasons, so they can make a more appropriate placement next time.
• Some “rescue” organizations have a history of placing unsafe or unsuitable dogs into the community – if your dog is adopted from one of these organizations, please do not return it to them. It’s important that the dog be placed somewhere with a very careful placement strategy.
• Maybe a friend or family in different circumstances can take your dog.
• Some shelters, like the one in our community, have a special section of their website, where families can list their dog on the adoption website, without bringing the dog to the shelter. They simply act as a venue for your online listing (like a dating profile!), and then you can interview potential adopters, finding the right match for your dog. This alleviates the stress that many dogs experience in the shelter environment.

Ethics

Please note. You have moral and legal obligations to disclose crucial information about your dog. If your dog has a bite history, please speak with a professional to assess the risk of future bites. What kind of home would provide an environment where that dog feel safe? Where would it get the support it needs?

While finding a new home for a dog who has an unsavory behavior history is a good goal, sometimes this is not safe or possible. If the dog has gravely injured someone, speak with a professional and your veterinarian about euthanasia. It’s possible that this dog is experiencing a significant health issue or mental distress. In some cases, it’s more humane to end the life of a dog than it is to prolong its suffering. 

If you want someone to discuss your current situation with, I’m here for you. I offer both local and video consultations, so I can provide support, whether you live in the San Francisco Bay Area or beyond.

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